Category Archives: Email Flotsam

Here are some interesting email chain-mails or other Internet flotsam that make for interesting reading. These posts are not my creations, clearly. Where possible, I acknowledge their source. These pieces are posted in good faith, assuming that they are in the public domain. If you are the author any of these pieces, or suspect any copyright violation, please raise it in a comment and I will be happy to fix it.

English as the Official Language of Europe

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has been accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “swill be used instead of the softc”. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hardcwill be replaced withk”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesomephwill be replased byf”. This will make words likefotograf” 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silentes in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasingth” by “z” and “w” by “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “0” kan be dropd from vords kontainingou”, and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas

A Crazy Language

This crazy language, English, is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every seven humans can speak it. More than half of the world’s books and three quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages, it has the largest vocabulary perhaps as many as two MILLION words. Nonetheless, let’s face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

[Unknown source]

Bushisms

Bush has just left the building. Perhaps the world will be a kinder, gentler place now. But it will certainly be a less funny place. For life is stranger than fiction, and Bush was funnier than any stand-up comedian. Jon Stewart is going to miss him. So will I.

Self Image

They misunderestimated me.
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000

I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believeI believe what I believe is right.
Rome, 22 July, 2001

There’s an old saying in TennesseeI know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennesseethat says, fool me once, shame onshame on you. Fool meyou can’t get fooled again.
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002

There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001

I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

Statemanship

For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002

The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
Washington DC, 5 August, 2004

I think war is a dangerous place.
Washington DC, 7 May, 2003

The ambassador and the general were briefing me on thethe vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003

Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004

“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006

Education

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000

Reading is the basics for all learning.
Reston, Virginia, 28 Mars,,en,d'accord,,en,la réponse courte,,en,augmenter votre mémoire virtuelle à plus que la taille de votre mémoire physique,,en,Version longue maintenant,,en,J'ai eu ce problème avec mon PC: il ne se réveillait pas correctement du mode veille prolongée ou veille,,en,Le PC lui-même serait allumé et tournait,,en,mais l'écran passerait en mode d'économie d'énergie,,en,rester vide,,en,La seule chose à faire à ce stade serait de redémarrer l'ordinateur,,en,Comme le bon internaute que je suis,,en,J'ai parcouru Internet pour trouver une solution,,en,Mais je n'en ai trouvé aucun,,en,Certains ont suggéré de mettre à niveau le BIOS,,en,remplacement de la carte graphique et ainsi de suite,,en,Puis j'ai vu cela mentionné dans un groupe Linux,,en,disant que la taille du fichier d'échange doit être supérieure à la mémoire physique,,en,et j'ai décidé de l'essayer sur ma machine Windows XP,,en,Et ça a résolu le problème,,en, 2000

As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.
CNN, 30 August, 2000

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001

Economics

I understand small business growth. I was one.
New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.
Reuters, 5 May, 2000

I do remain confident in Linda. She’ll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I’ve read in the press accounts, she’s perfectly qualified.
Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001

“First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.
Washington DC, 19 May, 2003

Health

I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs.
Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004

Internet

Will the highways on the internet become more few?”
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000

It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber.
Washington DC, 10 April, 2002

Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it’s also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.
Washington DC, 2 May, 2007

What the…?

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000

Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000

Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.
Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005

That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read threethree or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006

Leadership

I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000

I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.
Washington DC, 18 April, 2006

And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it.
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December, 2006

All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.
San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007

Famous Last Words

I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.
Washington DC, 12 May, 2008

Geeks

I have been doing a bit of geeky stuff latelywriting WordPress plugins. Okay, it is because I’m suffering from a terrible writer’s block.

You see, I’m supposed to be working on my next book. I foolishly promised a couple of chapters of The Principles of Quantitative Development to my commissioning editor at John Wiley & Sons within a month; now I find myself writing everything other than those darned chapters! Including plugins. Coming to think of it, writing those chapters wouldn’t be any less geeky, would it?

That made me wonderWe all started off as geeks, didn’t we? No use denying it. Remember how our teachers loved us, and the sexy cheerleaders, well, didn’t? Later in life, due to exigencies of circumstances, we may have tried to lose our techie halo and simulate a managerial posture. But, in our moments of panic, we go back to our geek roots. At least, I do.

You think you don’t? Well, check out these geek jokes. If you find them funny, chances are your roots are not too different from mine.

Heisenberg was driving down the highway when he was pulled over for speeding. The officer says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “No, but I do know where I am!”

Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

Geek Pickup Lines:

  • Tell me of this thing you humans call [dramatic pause] love.
  • If you turn me down now, I will become more drunk than you can possibly imagine.
  • They don’t call me Bones because I’m a doctor.
  • Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
  • What’s a nice girl like you doing in a wretched hive of scum and villainy like this?
  • You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable.
  • My ‘up-timeis better than BSD.
  • I can tell by your emoticons that you’re looking for some company.
  • Is that an iPod mini in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.
  • Want to see my Red Hat?
  • If you won’t let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
  • You had me atHello World.
  • Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
  • You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
  • By looking at you I can tell you’re 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.
  • Jedi Mind Trick: “This is the geek you’re looking for.[Waves hand]
  • You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
  • Have you ever Googled yourself?
  • How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?
  • With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
  • What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this when there’s a Farscape marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
  • I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

but look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Meeting Bingo Game

This one is a hilarious piece I found on the Web. If you really like it, you have to wonderam I still doing too much techie stuff and too little management?

Ever been in a mind-numbing meeting with some MBA-type spewing forth a sequence of buzzwords he read on the back of a Business Careers for Dummies book? Print this out and when you get 7 horizontal, vertical or diagonal, shout BINGO!

 

Synergy Offline Strategic Fit Interface Gap Analysis Best Practice The Bottom Line
Core Business Going Forward Touch Base Revisit Game Plan Learning Curve Revert Urgently
Out of the Loop Go the Extra Mile Benchmark The Big Picture Value Added Movers and Shakers Ballpark
Proactive, not Reactive Win-Win Situation Think Outside the Box Fast Track Results Driven Empowerment Define and Sign Off
Partner Led Business Case Change Management At the End of the Day Local Feedback Ticks in the Boxes Mindset
Knock-On Effect Put this to Bed Client-Focused Quality Driven Move the Goal Posts Process Improvement Bandwidth
Facilitate Knowledge Base Downsize Rocket Science Skill Set Customer Focused Ramp Up

(This joke was found at the Email Flotsam page at Mike’s World)

Mensa Word Play


Okay, they say thisMensa Invitationalby the Washington Post is just as fictional as these words. But these words — man, are they funny!

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

2006 winners are:

  • Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  • Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an *()^%$ .
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
  • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  • Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it’s a serious bummer.
  • Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out
  • Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Trick Question

Here’s an IQ question to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day

A person who can’t speak wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper, and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first. Don’t give up too soon, or you will regret it!

Want to see the answer?

Moonwalkers

It is one of the many conspiracy theoriesthat the moon landing never really took place. How could the flag flutter? The pictureswere they really taken on the moon, or in a studio in Navada?

Here is a different theory. A little known fact. The photo wasn’t totally fake. It is just that NASA showed only half the picture. Check this out:
Look at the shadows below .
Have you ever noticed them before ?

Click here (or on the image) to see the whole picture!