カテゴリーアーカイブ: 電子メール漂流物

ここで興味深い読み物にはなりますが、いくつかの興味深いメールチェーンメールや他のインターネット漂流物である. これらの記事は、私の作品ではありません, 明らかに. 可能であれば, 私は彼らの元を認める. これらの作品は、誠実に掲載されている, 彼らはパブリックドメインであると仮定. これらの作品のあなたが著者であれば、任意の, または著作権侵害の疑いがある, コメントにそれを調達し、私はそれを修正させていただきますしてください.

English as the Official Language of Europe

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has been accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “sの” will be used instead of the soft “C言語”. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. また, the hard “C言語” will be replaced with “へ”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by “F”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. また, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “と”s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” バイ “z” そして “w” バイ “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “0” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas…

A Crazy Language

This crazy language, 英語, is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every seven humans can speak it. More than half of the world’s books and three quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages, it has the largest vocabulary perhaps as many as two MILLION words. Nonetheless, それに直面しましょう, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (これ, もちろん, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

[Unknown source]

Bushisms

Bush has just left the building. Perhaps the world will be a kinder, gentler place now. But it will certainly be a less funny place. For life is stranger than fiction, and Bush was funnier than any stand-up comedian. Jon Stewart is going to miss him. So will I.

Self Image

“They misunderestimated me.”
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 11月, 2000

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.”
Rome, 22 7月, 2001

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 9月, 2002

“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”
Washington DC, 11 5月, 2001

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 5月, 2004

Statemanship

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”
Tokyo, 18 2月, 2002

“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.”
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 1月, 2003

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
Washington DC, 5 8月, 2004

“I think war is a dangerous place.”
Washington DC, 7 5月, 2003

“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the – the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
Washington DC, 27 10月, 2003

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
Washington DC, 17 9月, 2004

“あなたが知っている, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 9月, 2006

Education

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Florence, South Carolina, 11 1月, 2000

“Reading is the basics for all learning.”
Reston, Virginia, 28 3月, 2000

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”
CNN, 30 8月, 2000

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 2月, 2001

Economics

“I understand small business growth. I was one.”
New York Daily News, 19 2月, 2000

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”
Reuters, 5 5月, 2000

“I do remain confident in Linda. She’ll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I’ve read in the press accounts, she’s perfectly qualified.”
Austin, Texas, 8 1月, 2001

“最初の, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.”
Washington DC, 19 5月, 2003

Health

“I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs.”
Orlando, Florida, 12 9月, 2000

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 9月, 2004

Internet

“Will the highways on the internet become more few?”
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 1月, 2000

“It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber.”
Washington DC, 10 4月, 2002

“Information is moving. あなたが知っている, nightly news is one way, もちろん, but it’s also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.”
Washington DC, 2 5月, 2007

What the…?

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 9月, 2000

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 10月, 2000

“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
Tucson, Arizona, 28 11月, 2005

“That’s George Washington, the first president, もちろん. The interesting thing about him is that I read three – three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 5月, 2006

Leadership

“I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.”
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 8月, 2000

“I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.”
Washington DC, 18 4月, 2006

“And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, そして [Tony Blair] read it.”
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 12月, 2006

“All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.”
San Diego, California, 25 10月, 2007

Famous Last Words

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”
Washington DC, 12 5月, 2008

オタク

私は最近、ちょっとしたものをやっている,,en,書き込み,,en,それは私がひどい作家のブロックに苦しんでいるからです,,en,私はあなたの顔文字であなたが会社を探していることを知ることができます,,en,それはあなたのポケットに入っているiPod miniですか?それとも、私を見てうれしいですか?,,en,私のRed Hatを見たい,,en,あなたが私にあなたに飲み物を買わせてくれないなら,,en,少なくともあなたのラップトップを修正させてください,,en,あなたは私を,,en,こんにちは世界。,,en,スニッファを実行してポートが開いているかどうか確認する,,en,私のTivoをアップグレードしたい,,en,あなたを見て、私はあなたに教えることができます,,en,途中で完璧な四角形です,,en,ジェダイマインドトリック,,en,これはあなたが探しているオタクです。,,en,波の手,,en,いつでもハードドライブにトロイの木馬を置くことができます,,en,あなたはこれまで自分でGoogle検索しましたか?,,en,私たちは少しピアツーピアの唾液交換をするのですか?,,en — writing WordPressのプラグイン. オーケー, it is because I’m suffering from a terrible writer’s block.

あなたが参照してください。, I’m supposed to be working on my next book. I foolishly promised a couple of chapters of 定量的発展の原則 to my commissioning editor at John Wiley & Sons within a month; now I find myself writing everything other than those darned chapters! Including plugins. それを考えるために来る, writing those chapters wouldn’t be any less geeky, それはだろう?

That made me wonder… We all started off as geeks, didn’t we? No use denying it. Remember how our teachers loved us, and the sexy cheerleaders, よく, didn’t? Later in life, due to exigencies of circumstances, we may have tried to lose our techie halo and simulate a managerial posture. しかし, in our moments of panic, we go back to our geek roots. 少なくとも, 私はありません.

You think you don’t? よく, check out these geek jokes. If you find them funny, chances are your roots are not too different from mine.

Heisenberg was driving down the highway when he was pulled over for speeding. The officer says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “しないでください, but I do know where I am!”

Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “はい, I’m positive…”

Geek Pickup Lines:

  • Tell me of this thing you humans call [dramatic pause] love.
  • If you turn me down now, I will become more drunk than you can possibly imagine.
  • They don’t call me Bones because I’m a doctor.
  • Your name is Leslie? 見る, I can spell your name on my calculator!
  • What’s a nice girl like you doing in a wretched hive of scum and villainy like this?
  • You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable.
  • My ‘up-time’ is better than BSD.
  • I can tell by your emoticons that you’re looking for some company.
  • Is that an iPod mini in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.
  • Want to see my Red Hat?
  • If you won’t let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
  • You had me at “Hello World.”
  • Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
  • You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
  • By looking at you I can tell you’re 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.
  • Jedi Mind Trick: “This is the geek you’re looking for.” [Waves hand]
  • You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
  • Have you ever Googled yourself?
  • How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?
  • 私のIQとあなたの体で、私たちは地球を征服するために遺伝的スーパー人種のレースを始めることができました,,en,今のSci FiチャンネルにFarscapeマラソンがあるときに、このような場所でやっているような女の子は何ですか?,,en,私はあなたにとても強く惹かれます,,en,科学者は第5の基本的な力を開発しなければならない,,en,何が起こるか,,en,MOREを与えるのはどういう意味ですか?,,en,彼らは、より多くを与えていると言っている人々について,,en,誰かがあなたに引き渡すことを望む会議,,en,どのように達成する,,en,何ができますか,,en,生活の中で,,en,これらの質問に答えるのに役立つ少しの数式があります,,en,A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zは次のように表されます。,,en.
  • What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this when there’s a Farscape marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
  • I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

もし:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K =,,en,K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E =,,en,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E =,,en,B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T =,,en,しかし、あなたのお尻のキスがあなたを取る方法を見てください,,en,A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G =,,en,ハードワークとナレッジがあなたを近づける間に数学的な確信をもって結論づけることができます,,en,そして態度があなたをそこに連れて行くでしょう,,en,それはあなたの上にあなたを置くくそと尻のキスです,,en,オタクの思考,,en,ハローワールド再訪,,en,私の名前は,,en,Venkat,,en,本当に面白い,,en,私は私のサイトにそれを置く場合、私は気にしないでください,,en,私はあなたのサイトにそれをリンクします,,en,こんにちはVenakt,,en,ご意見ありがとうございます,,en,右に進み、あなたの冗談サイトに投稿してください,,en,とにかくこれらのジョークはインターネットから来た,,en,私に返信してください,,en,venkat@onlinepagedesigns.com,,en 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

but look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

そう, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

会議ビンゴゲーム

This one is a hilarious piece I found on the Web. If you really like it, あなたは疑問がある — am I still doing too much techie stuff and too little management?

Ever been in a mind-numbing meeting with some MBA-type spewing forth a sequence of buzzwords he read on the back of a Business Careers for Dummies book? Print this out and when you get 7 horizontal, vertical or diagonal, shout BINGO!

&NBSPは、

Synergy Offline Strategic Fit Interface Gap Analysis Best Practice The Bottom Line
Core Business Going Forward Touch Base Revisit Game Plan Learning Curve Revert Urgently
Out of the Loop Go the Extra Mile Benchmark The Big Picture Value Added Movers and Shakers Ballpark
Proactive, not Reactive Win-Win Situation Think Outside the Box Fast Track Results Driven Empowerment Define and Sign Off
Partner Led Business Case Change Management At the End of the Day Local Feedback Ticks in the Boxes Mindset
Knock-On Effect Put this to Bed Client-Focused Quality Driven Move the Goal Posts Process Improvement Bandwidth
Facilitate Knowledge Base Downsize Rocket Science Skill Set Customer Focused Ramp Up

(This joke was found at the 電子メール漂流物 page at Mike’s World)

メンサ言葉遊び


オーケー, 彼らはこれを言う “メンサインビテーショナル” ワシントンポストによってこれらの言葉と同じくらい架空のものです. しかし、これらの言葉 — 男, 彼らは面白いです!

ここでもう一度、辞書から任意の単語を取るために、読者に尋ねたワシントンポストのメンサインビテーショナルである, 追加することによって、それを変更する, 減算, または1つの文字を変更する, そして新しい定義を供給.

2006 受賞者は、:

  • Cashtration (nは。): 家を買うという行為, 無期限に財政的に無力件名をレンダリングしている.
  • Ignoranus: 愚かなの両方をだ人 *()^%$ .
  • Intaxication: 税金の払い戻しを得ることでユーフォリア, どのあなたはそれがで開始するあなたのお金だった実現まで続く.
  • Reintarnation: ヒルビリーとしての生活に戻って来る.
  • Bozone (nは。): 侵入するの明るい考えを停止する愚かな人々を取り巻く物質.
  • Foreploy: レイアウト結婚の目的のために自分自身についていかなる不実表示.
  • Giraffiti: 荒らしスプレー塗装は非常に, 非常に高い
  • Sarchasm: 皮肉なウィットの著者とそれを取得しない人との間に湾.
  • Inoculatte: 遅刻実行している場合に、静脈内にコーヒーを取るために、.
  • Hipatitis: ターミナル涼しさ.
  • Osteopornosis: 縮退疾患. (この1は、余分なクレジットを得た。)
  • Karmageddon: 誰もがすべてのこれらの本当に悪いバイブをオフに送信しているときにです, してから地球が爆発し、それは深刻な残念だ.
  • Decafalon (nは。): あなたのために良いだけの事を消費する一日を通して得ることの厳しいイベント.
  • Glibido: すべてのトークやアクションなし.
  • Dopeler効果: 彼らは急速にあなたに来るとき、よりスマートに見えるために愚かなアイデアの傾向.
  • Arachnolepticフィット (nは。): 必死のダンスはあなたが誤って蜘蛛の巣を歩いてきた直後に行われ.
  • Beelzebug (nは。): 蚊の形でサタン, それは朝の3時にあなたの寝室に入ったと追い出すことはできない
  • Caterpallor (nは。): あなたが食べている果物で半分ワームを発見した後ターンカラー.

Trick Question

Here’s an IQ question to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day…

A person who can’t speak wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper, and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first. Don’t give up too soon, or you will regret it!

Want to see the answer?

Moonwalkers

それは、多くの陰謀説の一つである — 月面着陸は本当に起こったことがないことを. どのフラグフラッタができた? 写真 — 彼らは本当に月面に撮影された, やスタジオ出入り中?

ここで別の理論がある. あまり知られていない事実. 写真は全く偽物ではありませんでした. これは、NASAが半分しか写真を見せだけのことである. これをチェックしてください:
下の影を見てください .
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