Pointlessness

当我妈妈生下我的时候,,en,这是一个触手可及的故事,,en,我被创造了一个异常巨大的头,,en,我想坚持的是一个像小行星一样的大脑,,en,无论是因为头部还是其他一些医学原因,,en,我母亲不得不接受紧急剖腹产手术,,en,这是半个多世纪以前在喀拉拉邦慕那尔附近的一个偏远的山地车站,,en,中年危机,,en,无意义,,en, it was a touch-and-go sitiuation. I was created with an abnormally huge head, which I would like to insist is filled with a brain the size of a small planet. Whether because of the head or some other medical reason, my mother had to undergo an emergency c-section. Remember, this was more than half a century ago in a remote hill station near Munnar in Kerala.

医生试图用镊子把我拉出来,,en,但它不起作用,,en,显然他很努力,我的头和下巴都很乱,,en,优先事项是,,en,本来应该的,,en,拯救我母亲的生命,,en,当钳子失败时,,en,医生手术切除了我,,en,阻止了血液流动,,en,缝合切口,,en,并奇迹般地救了她,,en,在一个村庄诊所必须做的事情,,en,医生实际上做了类似于医疗镜像的东西,,en,但是mircale还没有和医生一起完成,,en,在丢弃的一堆医疗废物中,,en,他注意到我在努力活着,,en,并立即开始拯救我,,en,也是好事,,en,否则你将无法阅读这个故事,,en,我原来是一个胖乎乎的可爱宝贝,,en, but it didn’t work. Apparently he tried quite hard and my head and jaws were pretty messed up. The priority was, as it should have been, to save my mother’s life. When the forceps failed, the doc surgically removed me, stemmed the blood flow, sewed up the incision, and miraculously saved her. In what must have been little more than a village clinic, the doctor acutally performed something akin to a medical mircale.

But the mircale wasn’t done with the doctor yet. Among the discarded pile of medical waste, he noticed me struggling to stay alive, and promptly proceeded to save me as well. Good thing too, otherwise you wouldn’t have been able to read this story. I turned out to be a chubby and cute baby, 虽然有一个异常和滑稽的大颅骨,,en,多年后,,en,我妈妈告诉我爸爸是怎么进来告诉她的,他们有一个健康漂亮的男婴,,en,以及她怎么知道他必须撒谎以保持她的精神,,en,由于医疗上的困难,她以为我不得不死了,,en,即使活着,,en,我必须是一个女孩,因为占星家告诉了她,,en,从我出生的那一刻开始,我确实有一种不可思议的诀窍,,en,回首我生命的弧线,,en,这已经永远指向了,,en,我可以看到它的每一个向上的嘀嗒声之前都是某种创伤或痛苦,,en,你会认为我的这种能力将每一笔原始交易转化为对自己有利的事情是一件好事,,en. Years later, my mom told me how my dad had come in to tell her that they had had a healthy and beautiful baby boy, and how she had known that he had to be lying to keep her spirits up. She thought I had to be dead because of the medical difficulties. And even if alive, I had to be a girl because an astrologer had told her so. 是的, I did have an uncanny knack of beating long odds starting right from the moment I was born.

Looking back at the arc of my life, which has forever been pointing up, I can see that every upward tick in it was preceded by a trauma or pain of some sort. You would think that this ability of mine to turn every raw deal into something positive for myself is a good thing, 值得骄傲的事,,en,但事实并非如此,,en,它让我感觉更空虚,,en,它强调了这一切的无意义,,en,并且以某种方式通过对比来放大疼痛,,en,无可否认,,en,过去几年一直很苛刻,,en,就像对生命无意义的感恩节撇号一样,,en,就像我大头上的这些模糊特征一样,,en,由于时间的蹂躏而模糊不清,,en,在这些年的艰难中,我的思想和精神也将枯萎,,en,我笑得少了很多,,en,对于曾短暂持有el-smilo昵称的人来说,这是一个壮举,,en,我记得很久以前在女孩的宿舍里看过这张海报,,en,我们的失望是上帝的约会,,en,对于那些相信上帝来处理它的人来说,这可能是一个好方法,,en,对于我们这些没有的人,,en. But it is not. For some reason, it leaves me feeling more empty. It underscores the pointlessness of it all, and somehow serves to magnify the pain by contrast.

There’s no denying it — the last couple of years have been harsh, like a thankless apostrophe to life’s pointlessness. Like these fuzzy features on my large head, blurred and mottled by the ravages of time, my mind and spirit also wilt in the harshness of these years. I smile a lot less — quite a feat for someone who briefly held the nickname el-smilo.

I remember seeing this poster in a girl’s dorm room a long time ago that read, “Our disappointments are God’s appointments,” which may be a good way for those who believe in a god to handle it. For those of us who don’t, 好, 我们形成习惯并找到用于排列碎片的模式,,en,从而创造一种正常感和连续性,,en,但最终,,en,使我们成为人类的模式也给了我们目的感或幻觉,,en,铸造了新的模式并制造了目的,,en,从而再次利用我的超级大国再次取得胜利,,en,我疲惫地期待着,,en,生活对我来说还有另一笔生意,,en,我确定它确实如此,,en,来吧,,en, thereby creating a sense of normalcy and continuity.

Ultimately though, the patterns that make us human also give us the sense or illusion of purpose. Having forged a new pattern and manufactured a purpose, thereby making another victory of it again using my superpower, I wearily look forward – does life have another raw deal in store for me? I’m sure it does. 好, bring it on…!

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