Walang katiyakan,,en,Nang ipanganak ako ng aking ina,,en,ito ay isang touch-and-go sitiuation,,en,Ako ay nilikha na may isang malaking malaking ulo,,en,na nais kong igiit ay napuno ng isang utak ang sukat ng isang maliit na planeta,,en,Kahit dahil sa ulo o iba pang mga medikal na dahilan,,en,ang aking ina ay kailangang sumailalim sa emergency c-section,,en,ito ay higit sa kalahating siglo na ang nakakaraan sa isang malayong istasyon ng burol malapit sa Munnar sa Kerala,,en

When my mother gave birth to me, it was a touch-and-go sitiuation. I was created with an abnormally huge head, which I would like to insist is filled with a brain the size of a small planet. Whether because of the head or some other medical reason, my mother had to undergo an emergency c-section. Tandaan, this was more than half a century ago in a remote hill station near Munnar in Kerala.

Sinubukan ako ng doktor na bunutin ako gamit ang mga tinidor,,en,ngunit hindi ito gumagana,,en,Tila sinubukan niyang lubos na matigas at ang aking ulo at mga panga ay medyo gulo,,en,Ang prioridad ay,,en,gaya ng dapat na ito,,en,upang i-save ang buhay ng aking ina,,en,Kapag nabigo ang mga forceps,,en,inalis ako sa doc surgically,,en,stemmed ang daloy ng dugo,,en,tinahi ang tistis,,en,at miraculously save sa kanya,,en,Sa kung ano ang maaaring maliit pa kaysa sa isang klinika sa nayon,,en,ang doktor acutally gumanap ng isang bagay na katulad sa isang medikal na mircale,,en,Ngunit ang mircale ay hindi ginawa sa doktor pa,,en,Kabilang sa mga itinapon na tumpok ng medical waste,,en,Napansin niya akong struggling upang manatiling buhay,,en,at agad na iniligtas din ako,,en,Magandang bagay din,,en,kung hindi, hindi mo mabasa ang kuwentong ito,,en,Ako ay naging isang mabilog at nakatutuwa na sanggol,,en, but it didn’t work. Apparently he tried quite hard and my head and jaws were pretty messed up. The priority was, as it should have been, to save my mother’s life. When the forceps failed, the doc surgically removed me, stemmed the blood flow, sewed up the incision, and miraculously saved her. In what must have been little more than a village clinic, the doctor acutally performed something akin to a medical mircale.

But the mircale wasn’t done with the doctor yet. Among the discarded pile of medical waste, he noticed me struggling to stay alive, and promptly proceeded to save me as well. Good thing too, otherwise you wouldn’t have been able to read this story. I turned out to be a chubby and cute baby, kahit na sa isang abnormally at comically malaking cranium,,en,Pagkalipas ng maraming taon,,en,Sinabi sa akin ng nanay ko kung paanong dumating ang aking ama upang sabihin sa kanya na mayroon silang malusog at magagandang sanggol na lalaki,,en,at kung paanong alam niya na dapat siyang magsinungaling upang mapanatili ang kanyang espiritu,,en,Naisip niya na patay na ako dahil sa mga paghihirap sa medisina,,en,At kahit na buhay,,en,Kailangan kong maging isang babae dahil sinabi sa kanya ng isang astrologo,,en,Mayroon akong isang katangi-tanging kasanayan sa matalo ng matagal na pagsisimula mula mismo sa sandaling ipinanganak ako,,en,Sa pagbabalik-tanaw sa arko ng aking buhay,,en,na kung saan ay magpakailanman ay itinuro up,,en,Nakikita ko na ang bawat paitaas na marka ay sinundan ng isang trauma o sakit ng ilang uri,,en,Gusto mong isipin na ang kakayahang ito ng minahan upang buksan ang bawat raw deal sa isang bagay na positibo para sa aking sarili ay isang magandang bagay,,en. Years later, my mom told me how my dad had come in to tell her that they had had a healthy and beautiful baby boy, and how she had known that he had to be lying to keep her spirits up. She thought I had to be dead because of the medical difficulties. And even if alive, I had to be a girl because an astrologer had told her so. Oo, I did have an uncanny knack of beating long odds starting right from the moment I was born.

Looking back at the arc of my life, which has forever been pointing up, I can see that every upward tick in it was preceded by a trauma or pain of some sort. You would think that this ability of mine to turn every raw deal into something positive for myself is a good thing, isang bagay na dapat ipagmalaki,,en,Pero hindi,,en,ito ay umalis sa akin pakiramdam mas walang laman,,en,Binibigyang-diin nito ang kawalang kabuluhan ng lahat ng ito,,en,at sa paanuman ay nagsisilbi upang palakihin ang sakit sa pamamagitan ng kaibahan,,en,Walang pagtanggi dito,,en,ang huling dalawang taon ay naging malupit,,en,tulad ng isang walang utang na loob na apostrophe sa kawalang-kabuluhan ng buhay,,en,Tulad ng mga malabo na tampok na ito sa aking malaking ulo,,en,Malabo at may batik-batik sa pamamagitan ng mga pag-aalipusta ng oras,,en,ang aking isip at espiritu ay nalulungkot din sa kabagsikan ng mga taong ito,,en,Masyado akong ngumiti,,en,medyo isang gawa para sa isang tao na panandaliang gaganapin ang palayaw el-smilo,,en,Naaalala ko na nakikita ang poster na ito sa room room ng isang batang babae na matagal na ang nakalipas na nabasa,,en,Ang aming mga disappointments ay mga tipanan ng Diyos,,en,na maaaring maging isang mahusay na paraan para sa mga taong naniniwala sa isang diyos upang mahawakan ito,,en,Para sa amin na hindi,,en. But it is not. For some reason, it leaves me feeling more empty. It underscores the pointlessness of it all, and somehow serves to magnify the pain by contrast.

There’s no denying it — the last couple of years have been harsh, like a thankless apostrophe to life’s pointlessness. Like these fuzzy features on my large head, blurred and mottled by the ravages of time, my mind and spirit also wilt in the harshness of these years. I smile a lot less — quite a feat for someone who briefly held the nickname el-smilo.

I remember seeing this poster in a girl’s dorm room a long time ago that read, “Our disappointments are God’s appointments,” which may be a good way for those who believe in a god to handle it. For those of us who don’t, mahusay, binubuo namin ang mga gawi at hanapin ang mga pattern kung saan ayusin ang mga pinagputulan,en, thereby creating a sense of normalcy and continuity.

Ultimately though, the patterns that make us human also give us the sense or illusion of purpose. Having forged a new pattern and manufactured a purpose, thereby making another victory of it again using my superpower, I wearily look forward – does life have another raw deal in store for me? I’m sure it does. Mahusay, bring it on…!

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