タグ別アーカイブ: ジョーク

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続きを読む

三つのオウム

かつてインド·アポン·ア·タイム·イン, 3オウムがあった. 彼らは販売のためであった. 見込み客は興味があった.

“そのオウムはいくらですか?” 彼に尋ねた, 最初のものを指す.

“3000 ルピー。”

“これはかなり急だ. そんなに特別なのは何?”

“よく, それはヒンディー語を話すことができる。”

見込み客は感動しました, しかし、より良い取引を望んでいた. そこで彼は、プロービング, “どれだけ1秒間?”

“5000 ルピー。”

“何? なぜ?”

続きを読む

ばかばかしいです, Annoying and Embarrassing

Now it is official — we become embarrassing, ridiculous and annoying when our first-born turns thirteen. The best we can hope to do, evidently, is to negotiate a better deal. If we can get our thirteen year old to drop one of the three unflattering epithets, we should count ourselves lucky. We can try, “I may embarrass you a bit, but I do しない annoy you and I am certainly not ridiculous!” This apparently was the deal this friend of mine made with his daughter. Now he has to drop her a block away from her school (so that her friends don’t have to see him, 当たり前じゃありませんか!), but he smiles the smile of a man who knows he is neither annoying nor ridiculous.

I did a bit worse, 私は思います. “You are not その annoying; you are not 常に ridiculous and you are not 完全に embarrassing. よく, not always,” was the best I could get my daughter to concede, giving me a 50% pass grade. My wife fared even worse though. “ああ, she is SOOO ridiculous and 常に annoys me. Drives me nuts!” making it a miserable 33% fail grade for her. To be fair though, I have to admit that she wasn’t around when I administered the test; her presence may have improved her performance quite a bit.

しかし、真剣に, why do our children lose their unquestioning faith in our infallibility the moment they are old enough to think for themselves? I don’t remember such a drastic change in my attitude toward my parents when I turned thirteen. It is not as though I am more fallible than my parents. よく, may be I am, but I don’t think the teenager’s reevaluation of her stance is a commentary on my parenting skills. May be in the current social system of nuclear families, we pay too much attention to our little ones. We see little images of ourselves in them and try to make them as perfect as we possibly can. Perhaps all this well-meaning attention sometimes smothers them so much that they have to rebel at some stage, and point out how ridiculously annoying and embarrassing our efforts are.

May be my theory doesn’t hold much water — 結局, this teenage phase change vis-a-vis parents is a universal phenomenon. And I am sure the degree of nuclear isolation of families and the level of freedom accorded to the kids are not universal. Perhaps all we can do is to tune our own attitude toward the teenagers’ attitude change. ヘイ, I can laugh with my kids at my ridiculous embarrassments. But I do wish I had been a bit less annoying though…

Belle Piece

Here is a French joke that is funny only in French. I present it here as a puzzle to my English-speaking readers.

This colonel in the French army was in the restroom. As he was midway through the business of relieving his bladder, he becomes aware of this tall general standing next to him, and realizes that it is none other than Charles De Gaulle. 今, what do you do when you find yourself a sort of captive audience next to your big boss for a couple of minutes? よく, you have to make smalltalk. So this colonel racks his brain for a suitable subject. Noticing that the restroom is a classy tip-top joint, he ventures:

“Belle piece!” (“Nice room!”)

CDG’s ice-cold tone indicates to him the enormity of the professional error he has just committed:

“Regardez devant vous.” (“Don’t peek!”)

アイオーナの通路

During my graduate school years at Syracuse, I used to know Ioanna — a Greek girl of sweet disposition and inexplicable hair. When I met her, she had just moved from her native land of Crete and was only beginning to learn English. So she used to start her sentences with “Eh La Re” and affectionately address all her friends “Malaka” and was generally trying stay afloat in this total English immersion experience that is a small university town in the US of A.

すぐに, she found the quirkiness of this eccentric language a bit too much. On one wintry day in Syracuse, Ioanna drove to Wegmans, the local supermarket, presumably looking for feta cheese or eggplants. But she was unable to find it. As with most people not fluent in the language of the land, she wasn’t quite confident enough to approach an employee on the floor for help. I can totally understand her; I don’t approach anybody for help even in my native town. But I digress; coming back to Ioanna at Wegmans, she noticed this little machine where she could type in the item she wanted and get its location. The machine displayed, “Aisle 6.”

Ioanna was floored. She had never seen the word “aisle.” So she fought and overcame her fear of Americans and decided to ask an employee where this thing called Aisle 6 た. 残念ながら, the way this English word sounds has nothing to do with the way it is spelled. Without the benefit of this knowledge, Ioanna asked a baffled and bemused clerk, “Where is ASSELLE six?”

The American was quick-witted though. He replied politely, “失礼しました, miss. I am asshole number 3; asshole number 6 is taking a break. Can I help you?”

Bushisms

Bush has just left the building. Perhaps the world will be a kinder, gentler place now. But it will certainly be a less funny place. For life is stranger than fiction, and Bush was funnier than any stand-up comedian. Jon Stewart is going to miss him. So will I.

Self Image

“They misunderestimated me.”
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 11月, 2000

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.”
Rome, 22 7月, 2001

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 9月, 2002

“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”
Washington DC, 11 5月, 2001

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 5月, 2004

Statemanship

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”
Tokyo, 18 2月, 2002

“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.”
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 1月, 2003

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
Washington DC, 5 8月, 2004

“I think war is a dangerous place.”
Washington DC, 7 5月, 2003

“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the – the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
Washington DC, 27 10月, 2003

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
Washington DC, 17 9月, 2004

“あなたが知っている, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 9月, 2006

Education

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Florence, South Carolina, 11 1月, 2000

“Reading is the basics for all learning.”
Reston, Virginia, 28 3月, 2000

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”
CNN, 30 8月, 2000

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 2月, 2001

Economics

“I understand small business growth. I was one.”
New York Daily News, 19 2月, 2000

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”
Reuters, 5 5月, 2000

“I do remain confident in Linda. She’ll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I’ve read in the press accounts, she’s perfectly qualified.”
Austin, Texas, 8 1月, 2001

“最初の, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.”
Washington DC, 19 5月, 2003

Health

“I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs.”
Orlando, Florida, 12 9月, 2000

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 9月, 2004

Internet

“Will the highways on the internet become more few?”
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 1月, 2000

“It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber.”
Washington DC, 10 4月, 2002

“Information is moving. あなたが知っている, nightly news is one way, もちろん, but it’s also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.”
Washington DC, 2 5月, 2007

What the…?

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 9月, 2000

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 10月, 2000

“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
Tucson, Arizona, 28 11月, 2005

“That’s George Washington, the first president, もちろん. The interesting thing about him is that I read three – three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 5月, 2006

Leadership

“I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.”
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 8月, 2000

“I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.”
Washington DC, 18 4月, 2006

“And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, そして [Tony Blair] read it.”
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 12月, 2006

“All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.”
San Diego, California, 25 10月, 2007

Famous Last Words

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”
Washington DC, 12 5月, 2008

La logique

[The last of my French redactions to be blogged, これは、クラスで、このようなヒットしませんでした,,en,彼らは冗談を期待しました,,en,しかし、彼らが得たことでした,,en,私はフランス人が誇らしげに彼らの戦闘機の技術を展示したテレビの航空ショーを見た後、それは、一日に書かれました。,,en,英語での最初の,,en,科学は論理に基づいています,,en,そして、ロジックは、私たちの経験に基づいています,,en,私たちは私たちの生活の中に学びます,,en,私たちの経験が不完全であるため、,,en,私たちの論理が間違っている可能性があります,,en,そして、我々の科学は私たちの終焉に私たちを導くことができます,,en,私はテレビで戦闘機を見たとき,,en,私たちは自分自身を殺そうとに費やすエネルギーと努力について考え始め,,en,ここは私たちのロジックが間違っていたように私には思えます,,en,私は短編小説を読みます,,en,O.Vによって,,ru,実際のところ,,en,ケージの中に自分自身を発見した鶏について,,en,毎日,,en,昼まで,,en,ケージの小さなウィンドウが開きます,,en. They expected a joke, but what they got was, よく, この. It was written the day after I watched an air show on TV where the French were proudly showcasing their fighter technology.]

[In English first]

Science is based on logic. And logic is based on our experiences — what we learn during our life. しかし, because our experiences are incomplete, our logic can be wrong. And our science can lead us to our demise. When I watched the fighter planes on TV, I started thinking about the energy and effort we spend on trying to kill ourselves. It seems to me that our logic here had to be wrong.

数カ月前, I read a short story (by O.V. のVijayan, as a matter of fact) about a chicken who found itself in a cage. Everyday, by noon, the little window of the cage would open, 男の手が現れ、鶏肉を食べるために何かを与えるだろう,,en,それはのために行ってきました,,en,そして鶏が締結します,,en,正午,,en,フード,,en,百日に,,en,手が再び登場しました,,en,チキン,,en,すべての幸せと感謝の気持ちでいっぱい,,en,何か食べるものを待っていました,,en,しかし、この時間,,en,手が首にそれをキャッチし、それを絞め,,en,理由は、その経験を超えた現実の,,en,鶏肉は、その日の夕食になりました,,en,私たち人間は、このような事態を避けることができることを望みます,,en,科学は論理に基づいています,,fr,そして、ロジックは、経験に基づいています,,fr,私たちは私たちの生活の中で学びます,,fr,もっと,,pt,私たちの経験は必ずしも包括的ではないとして、,,fr,私たちの論理が間違っている可能性があります,,fr,そして、我々の科学は私たちの破壊に私たちを導くことができます,,fr,私はテレビで戦闘機を見たとき,,fr. It went on for 99 日. And the chicken concluded:

“Noon, 手, food — 良い!”

On the hundredth day, by noon, the hand appeared again. The chicken, all happy and full of gratitude, waited for something to eat. But this time, the hand caught it by the neck and strangled it. Because of realities beyond its experience, the chicken became dinner on that day. I hope we human beings can avoid such eventualities.

Les sciences sont basées sur la logique. Et la logique se base sur les expériences – ce que nous apprenons dans notre vie. Mais, comme nos expériences ne sont pas toujours completes, notre logique peut avoir tort. Et nos sciences peuvent nous diriger vers notre destruction. Lorsque je regardais les avions de combat à la télé, 彼らは私たちが私たちを殺そうと無駄なエネルギーと労力を考え作られました,,fr,それは私には思われます,,fr,ここでの論理は間違っていなければなりません,,fr,私は前に鶏の数ヶ月の物語を読みます,,fr,彼女はケージの中に自分自身を発見しました,,fr,一人の男がそこに入れていました,,fr,毎日,,fr,正午のまわり,,fr,小さなケージウィンドウが開かれました,,fr,鶏の餌に手を示しました。,,fr,それは九〇から九日間、次のように起こりました,,fr,そして鶏は思いました,,fr,相槌,,en,ミディ,,en,メイン,,en,桶,,en,良く,,fr,百日が到着しました,,fr,正午,,fr,手が示されています,,fr,編,,fr,すべての幸せと感謝,,fr,食べるのを待っています,,fr,今回,,fr,手が首によって彼女を取り、絞め,,fr. Il me paraît que la
logique ici doit avoir tort.

J’ai lu une petite histoire d’une poule il y a quelques mois. Elle s’est trouvée dans une cage, un homme l’y avait mise. Chaque jour, vers midi, la petite fenêtre de la cage s’ouvrait, une main se montrait avec de quoi manger pour la poule. Ça s’est passé comme ça pendant quatre-vingt-dix-neuf jours. Et la poule a pensé:

“Aha, midi, main, manger – bien!”

Le centième jour est arrivé. Le midi, la main s’est montrée. La poule, toute heureuse et pleine de gratitude, attendait de quoi manger. Mais, cette fois, la main l’a prise par le cou et l’a étranglée. そのため、彼の経験を超えた現実の,,fr,鶏肉は、その日の夕食になりました,,fr,私たちは事態のこの種のを避けることができることを望みます,,fr,現実,,en,環境アーカイブ,,en, la poule est devenue le diner ce jour-là. J’espère que nous pourrons éviter les éventualités de cette sorte.

La chienne

[Another of my French “redactions,” this piece is a translation of a joke, which perhaps didn’t translate too well. I was told that the French version was in poor taste. 今, reading it again, I feel that the English version doesn’t fare much better. あなたは裁判官である!]

[In English first]

一度, an American was in England. In a public bus, he saw an English lady sitting with her little dog, occupying two seats. The bus was crowded and many passengers were standing. The smart American, inspired, asked the lady very nicely: “Ma’am, if we put your poodle on your lap, one of us standing could sit. Much appreciated.”

To his surprise, the lady didn’t pay any attention to him. A little miffed, he repeated his request. The lady ignored him with a disdainful look. Americans are men of action, and don’t waste words (where guns and bombs would suffice, as we know). Embarrassed, and being quite American, he picked up the dog and threw it out the window and sat down in its place.

An English gentleman across the aisle was watching the whole exchange. He tut-tutted disapprovingly and said, “You Americans! Whatever you do, you do it wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the street. You hold your fork in the wrong hand. Wrong habits, wrong clothes, wrong manners! Now see what you have done!”

The American was on the defensive. “I didn’t do anything wrong. It was her fault, and you know it.”

The English gent explained, “Yes my dear fellow, but you threw the wrong bitch out the window!”

Une fois, un Américain alla en Angleterre. Dans un bus de transport en commun, il aperçut une Anglaise et son petit chien assis, occupant deux sièges. Il y avait du monde dans le bus et des personnes qui se tenaient debout. L’Américain, étant malin, eut une bonne idée. Il demanda à l’Anglaise très poliment,
“Madame, si vous mettiez votre chien sur vos genoux, une des personnes debout pourrait s’asseoir.

À son grand étonnement, l’Anglaise ne tint aucun compte de sa demande. Gênè, il répéta sa demande. L’Anglaise le regarda avec dédain et resta toujours désagréable. Les américains ne perdent pas de mots, ils sont des hommes d’action. Embarrassé et étant assez américain, il prit le chien, le jeta dehors du bus et s’assit.

Il y avait un Anglais en face qui remarqua tout ce qui se passait. Il dit,
“Les Américains! Quoique vous fassiez, vous le faites mal! Dans la rue, vous conduisez du mauvais côté. Au diner, vous prenez la fourchette avec la mauvause main. Mauvaises habitudes, mauvaises coutumes, mauvaise morale! Et maintenant, regardez ce que vous avez fait.”

L’Américain était sur la défensive,
“Et qu’est-ce que j’ai fait? C’était sa faute, et vous le savez!”

L’Anglais lui répondit,
“Oui, oui. Mais vous avez jeté la mauvaise chienne du bus!”

La pauvre famille

[English version 以下に]

Je connaissais une petite fille très riche. Un jour, son professeur lui a demandé de faire une rédaction sur une famille pauvre. La fille était étonnée:

“Une famille pauvre?! Qu’est-ce que c’est ça?”

Elle a demandé à sa mère:

“Maman, Maman, qu’est-ce que c’est une famille pauvre? Je n’arrive pas à faire ma rédaction.”

La mère lui a répondu:

“C’est simple, chérie. Une famille est pauvre quand tout le monde dans la famille est pauvre”

La petite fille a pensé:

“ああ! Ce n’est pas difficile”

et elle a fait sa rédaction. Le lendemain, le professeur lui a dit:

“Bon, lis-moi ta rédaction.”

Voici la réponse:

“Une famille pauvre. Il était une fois une famille pauvre. Le père était pauvre, la mère était pauvre, les enfants étaient pauvres, le jardinier était pauvre, le chauffeur était pauvre, les bonnes étaient pauvres. Voilà, la famille était très pauvre!”

In English

I once knew a rich girl. ある日, her teacher at school asked her to write a piece on a poor family. The girl was shocked. “What in the world is a poor family?”

So she asked her mother, “Mummy, mummy, you’ve got to help me with my composition. What is a poor family?”

Her mother said, “That’s really simple, sweetheart. A family is poor when everybody in the family is poor.”

The rich girl thought, “Aha, that is not too difficult,” and she wrote up a piece.

The next day, her teacher asked her, “よく, let’s hear your composition.”

Here is what the girl said, “A Poor Family. Once upon a time, there was a poor family. The father was poor, the mother was poor, the children were poor, the gardener was poor, the driver was poor, the maids were poor. So the family was very poor!”