زمرہ آرکائیو: ای میل Flotsam

Here are some interesting email chain-mails or other Internet flotsam that make for interesting reading. These posts are not my creations, واضح طور پر. Where possible, I acknowledge their source. These pieces are posted in good faith, assuming that they are in the public domain. If you are the author any of these pieces, or suspect any copyright violation, please raise it in a comment and I will be happy to fix it.

سرخ رنگ کی لائنز گرین سیاہی کے ساتھ اپنی طرف متوجہ

یہ کاروبار کی ترقی کے لئے آتا ہے, برانڈنگ وغیرہ, آپ discontinuities کے لئے دیکھنا پڑے, باکس کے باہر سوچنے, اور آداب کی طرف سے مجبور نہیں کیا, ستادوستی, وغیرہ آپٹکس.

سات لمبوت سرخ لائنیں شفاف سبز سیاہی کا استعمال کرتے ہوئے اپنی طرف متوجہ. غیر لکیری سوچ کے عمل کو استعمال کرتے ہوئے.

English as the Official Language of Europe

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has been accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “ے” will be used instead of the soft “ج”. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. اس کے علاوہ, the hard “ج” will be replaced with “کرنے کے لئے”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by “چ”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. اس کے علاوہ, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “اور”s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” کی طرف سے “z” اور “w” کی طرف سے “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “0” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas…

ایک پاگل کی زبان

اس پاگل زبان, انگریزی, ہمارے سیارے کی تاریخ میں سب سے زیادہ وسیع پیمانے پر استعمال کیا جاتا زبان ہے. ہر سات انسانوں میں سے ایک یہ بات کر سکتے ہیں. دنیا کی کتابوں میں سے آدھے سے زیادہ حصہ ہے اور بین الاقوامی میل کے تین چوتھائی انگریزی میں ہے. تمام زبانوں میں سے, یہ بیس لاکھ الفاظ کے طور پر شاید کے طور پر بہت سے سب سے بڑا ذخیرہ الفاظ ہے. بہر حال, چلو اس کا سامنا, انگریزی میں ایک پاگل زبان ہے. ہیمبرگر میں بینگن اور نہ حام میں کوئی انڈا نہیں ہے; سیب اور نہ ہی اناناس میں چیڑ نہ تو. انگریزی muffins کے فرانس میں انگلینڈ یا فرانسیسی فرائز میں ایجاد نہیں کیا گیا. مٹھائیاں sweetbreads جبکہ کینڈی ہیں, میٹھا نہیں ہیں جس, گوشت ہیں.

عطا کے لئے ہم انگریزی کے لے. لیکن ہم اس مارکس کا اختلاف کو دریافت کرتا ہے, ہم دلدل آہستہ آہستہ کام کر سکتے ہیں کہ مل, باکسنگ بجتی مربع رہے ہیں اور ایک گنی پگ گنی سے نہ ہے اور نہ ہی یہ ایک سور ہے.

اور کیوں لکھنے والوں لکھیں لیکن انگلیوں Fing کی نہیں ہے کہ یہ ہے, grocers کے Groce کی نہیں ہے اور ہتھوڑے ہام نہیں ہے? دانت کی جمع دانت ہے تو, بوتھ beeth کی جمع نہیں ہے کیوں? ایک ہنس, دو geese کے. تو ایک موس, دو سے Meese?

یہ آپ کو بہتر بنانے کے کر سکتے ہیں کہ پاگل لگتا ہے لیکن ایک نہیں میں ترمیم نہیں کرتا, اگر آپ تاریخ کی تاریخ ہے لیکن ایک بھی annal ذریعے کنگھی کہ? آپ مشکلات اور اختتام کا ایک گروپ ہے اور ان میں سے ایک ہے لیکن سب سے چھٹکارا حاصل کرتا ہے تو, آپ یہ کہتے ہوں کیا? اساتذہ کو سکھایا ہو تو, کیوں praught مبلغ نہیں تھا? ایک سبزی سبزیاں کھاتا ہے, ایک انسانی کیا کھانے کرتا? آپ کو ایک خط لکھا تو, شاید آپ کو آپ کی زبان سے Bote?

کبھی کبھی میں تمام انگریزی بولنے زبانی طور پر پاگل کے لئے ایک پناہ کے لئے مصروف عمل کیا جانا چاہیے. کس زبان میں لوگوں کی وجہ سے کھیل میں تلاوت کرتے اور ایک کلام میں کھیلنے کے? ٹرک کی طرف سے جہاز کو بحری جہاز کے ذریعے کارگو بھیجنے اور? بو آ رہی ہے کہ چلانے کی ناک اور پاؤں ہے?

ایک پتلی موقع اور ایک موٹی موقع پر ایک ہی ہو سکتے ہیں کس طرح, ایک عقل مند آدمی اور عقل مند آدمی کے مخالف ہیں جبکہ? نظر انداز اور ہو ضدین کی نگرانی کر سکتے ہیں کہ کس طرح, بہت بہت اور بہت کچھ یکساں ہیں جبکہ? کس طرح موسم جہنم ایک دن کے طور پر گرم اور جہنم دوسرے کے طور پر ٹھنڈا کیا جا سکتا?

آپ کو ہم سے وہ غائب ہیں صرف اس وقت جب کچھ چیزوں کے بارے میں بات ہے محسوس کیا ہے? تم نے کبھی ایک horseful گاڑی یا ایک strapful گاؤن دیکھا ہے? ایک گایا ہیرو ملاقات کی یا بدلہ پیار کا تجربہ? کیا آپ نے کبھی combobulated کیا جانے والا شخص میں چلائے گئے ہیں, gruntled, ruly یا peccable? اور موسم بہار مرگی ہیں یا جو اصل میں ایک مکھی درد ہوگا جو ان تمام لوگوں کہاں ہیں?

یہ نیچے جلا دیتی ہے کے طور پر آپ کو آپ کے گھر کو جلا کر سکتے ہیں جس میں ایک زبان کے منفرد پاگلپن میں چمتکار کرنے کے لئے ہے, جس میں آپ اسے باہر بھرنے کی طرف سے ایک فارم میں بھرنے اور جس میں ایک الارم گھڑی پر جا کر بند ہو جاتا ہے.

انگریزی لوگوں کی طرف سے ایجاد کیا گیا, نہ کمپیوٹرز, اور یہ انسانی نسل کی تخلیقی صلاحیتوں کی عکاسی کرتا ہے (جس, کورس, بالکل ایک دوڑ نہیں ہے). یہی وجہ ہے, ستاروں باہر ہیں جب, وہ شامل کریں, لیکن روشنی باہر ہیں جب, وہ پوشیدہ ہیں. اور کیوں, میں نے اپنی گھڑی کو ختم کرتے وقت, میں نے اسے شروع, لیکن میں نے اس مضمون کو ختم کرتے وقت, میں اسے ختم.

[نامعلوم ذرائع]

Bushisms

Bush has just left the building. Perhaps the world will be a kinder, gentler place now. But it will certainly be a less funny place. For life is stranger than fiction, and Bush was funnier than any stand-up comedian. Jon Stewart is going to miss him. So will I.

Self Image

“They misunderestimated me.”
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 نومبر, 2000

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.”
Rome, 22 جولائی, 2001

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 ستمبر, 2002

“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”
Washington DC, 11 مئی, 2001

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 مئی, 2004

Statemanship

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”
Tokyo, 18 فروری, 2002

“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.”
Grand Rapids, مشی گن, 29 جنوری, 2003

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
Washington DC, 5 اگست, 2004

“I think war is a dangerous place.”
Washington DC, 7 مئی, 2003

“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the – the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
Washington DC, 27 اکتوبر, 2003

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
Washington DC, 17 ستمبر, 2004

“تم جانتے ہو, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 ستمبر, 2006

Education

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Florence, South Carolina, 11 جنوری, 2000

“Reading is the basics for all learning.”
Reston, Virginia, 28 مارچ, 2000

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”
CNN, 30 اگست, 2000

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 فروری, 2001

Economics

“I understand small business growth. I was one.”
New York Daily News, 19 فروری, 2000

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”
Reuters, 5 مئی, 2000

“I do remain confident in Linda. She’ll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I’ve read in the press accounts, she’s perfectly qualified.”
Austin, Texas, 8 جنوری, 2001

“سب سے پہلے, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.”
Washington DC, 19 مئی, 2003

Health

“I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs.”
Orlando, Florida, 12 ستمبر, 2000

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 ستمبر, 2004

Internet

“Will the highways on the internet become more few?”
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 جنوری, 2000

“It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber.”
Washington DC, 10 اپریل, 2002

“Information is moving. تم جانتے ہو, nightly news is one way, کورس, but it’s also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.”
Washington DC, 2 مئی, 2007

What the…?

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
Saginaw, مشی گن, 29 ستمبر, 2000

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 اکتوبر, 2000

“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
Tucson, Arizona, 28 نومبر, 2005

“That’s George Washington, the first president, کورس. The interesting thing about him is that I read three – three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 مئی, 2006

Leadership

“I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.”
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 اگست, 2000

“I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.”
Washington DC, 18 اپریل, 2006

“And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, اور [Tony Blair] read it.”
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 دسمبر, 2006

“All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.”
San Diego, کیلی فورنیا, 25 اکتوبر, 2007

Famous Last Words

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”
Washington DC, 12 مئی, 2008

Geeks

I have been doing a bit of geeky stuff lately — writing ورڈپریس پلگ ان. ٹھیک ہے, it is because I’m suffering from a terrible writer’s block.

تم نے دیکھا, I’m supposed to be working on my next book. I foolishly promised a couple of chapters of ماتراتمک ترقی کے اصول to my commissioning editor at John Wiley & Sons within a month; now I find myself writing everything other than those darned chapters! Including plugins. اس کے بارے میں سوچنا آ, writing those chapters wouldn’t be any less geeky, گے یہ?

That made me wonder… We all started off as geeks, didn’t we? No use denying it. Remember how our teachers loved us, and the sexy cheerleaders, اچھی طرح سے, didn’t? Later in life, due to exigencies of circumstances, we may have tried to lose our techie halo and simulate a managerial posture. لیکن, in our moments of panic, we go back to our geek roots. کم از کم, مجھے کیا کرنا.

You think you don’t? ٹھیک ہے, check out these geek jokes. If you find them funny, chances are your roots are not too different from mine.

Heisenberg was driving down the highway when he was pulled over for speeding. The officer says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “نہیں, but I do know where I am!”

Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “جی ہاں, I’m positive…”

Geek Pickup Lines:

  • Tell me of this thing you humans call [dramatic pause] love.
  • If you turn me down now, I will become more drunk than you can possibly imagine.
  • They don’t call me Bones because I’m a doctor.
  • Your name is Leslie? دیکھو, I can spell your name on my calculator!
  • What’s a nice girl like you doing in a wretched hive of scum and villainy like this?
  • You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable.
  • My ‘up-time’ is better than BSD.
  • I can tell by your emoticons that you’re looking for some company.
  • Is that an iPod mini in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.
  • Want to see my Red Hat?
  • If you won’t let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
  • You had me at “Hello World.”
  • Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
  • You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
  • By looking at you I can tell you’re 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.
  • Jedi Mind Trick: “This is the geek you’re looking for.” [Waves hand]
  • You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
  • Have you ever Googled yourself?
  • How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?
  • With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
  • What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this when there’s a Farscape marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
  • I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

تو:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

but look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

تو, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

میٹنگ بنگو کھیل

This one is a hilarious piece I found on the Web. If you really like it, آپ تعجب کرنا ہے — am I still doing too much techie stuff and too little management?

Ever been in a mind-numbing meeting with some MBA-type spewing forth a sequence of buzzwords he read on the back of a Business Careers for Dummies book? Print this out and when you get 7 horizontal, vertical or diagonal, shout BINGO!

& NBSP؛

Synergy Offline Strategic Fit Interface Gap Analysis Best Practice The Bottom Line
Core Business Going Forward Touch Base Revisit Game Plan Learning Curve Revert Urgently
Out of the Loop Go the Extra Mile Benchmark The Big Picture Value Added Movers and Shakers Ballpark
Proactive, not Reactive Win-Win Situation Think Outside the Box Fast Track Results Driven Empowerment Define and Sign Off
Partner Led Business Case Change Management At the End of the Day Local Feedback Ticks in the Boxes Mindset
Knock-On Effect Put this to Bed Client-Focused Quality Driven Move the Goal Posts Process Improvement Bandwidth
Facilitate Knowledge Base Downsize Rocket Science Skill Set Customer Focused Ramp Up

(This joke was found at the ای میل Flotsam page at Mike’s World)

Mensa Word Play


ٹھیک ہے, they say this “Mensa Invitational” by the Washington Post is just as fictional as these words. But these words — آدمی, are they funny!

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

2006 winners are:

  • Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  • Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an *()^%$ .
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
  • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  • Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it’s a serious bummer.
  • Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out
  • Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

چال کا سوال

یہاں آپ کو آپ کو آپ کے دن کے باقی خرچ چاہئے کہ کس طرح فیصلہ کرنے میں مدد کرنے کے لئے ایک عقل سوال ہے…

بات نہیں کر سکتے ایک شخص جو ایک دانتوں کا برش خریدنا چاہتا ہے. کسی کے دانت برش کی کارروائی مشابہت کی طرف سے, انہوں نے کامیابی دکاندار کے لئے اپنے آپ کا اظہار ہے, اور خریداری سے کیا جاتا ہے.

دھوپ کے ایک جوڑے کو خریدنے کے لئے چاہتا ہے جو ایک نابینا شخص اگر وہاں اب, وہ خود کا اظہار کرنا چاہئے کہ کس طرح?

سب سے پہلے اس کے بارے میں سوچو. بہت جلد ہی ترک نہیں کرتے, یا آپ کو اس کا افسوس رہے گا!

جواب یہ دیکھنا چاہتے ہیں?

Moonwalkers

It is one of the many conspiracy theories — that the moon landing never really took place. How could the flag flutter? The pictures — were they really taken on the moon, or in a studio in Navada?

Here is a different theory. A little known fact. The photo wasn’t totally fake. It is just that NASA showed only half the picture. Check this out:
Look at the shadows below .
Have you ever noticed them before ?

Click here (or on the image) to see the whole picture!