Mga Archive ng Kategorya: Email Flotsam

Narito ang ilang mga kawili-wiling mga email chain-mail o iba pang mga Internet flotsam na gumawa para sa mga kawili-wiling pagbabasa. Ang mga post ay hindi ang aking mga likha, malinaw. Kung saan posible, Kinikilala ko ang kanilang pinagmulan. Ang mga piraso ay nai-post sa magandang loob, ipagpalagay na ang mga ito ay nasa pampublikong domain. Kung ikaw ang may-akda ng anuman sa mga piraso, o pinaghihinalaan anumang paglabag sa copyright, mangyaring taasan ito sa isang komento at ako ay magiging masaya na ayusin ito.

Ingles bilang Opisyal na Wika ng Europe

Ang komisyonado European Union na inihayag na kasunduan ay naabot upang magpatibay ng Ingles bilang ang ninanais na wika para sa mga komunikasyon sa European, sa halip na German, na kung saan ay ang iba pang mga posibilidad.

Bilang bahagi ng negosasyon, pamahalaan ng British conceded na Ingles pagbaybay ay may ilang mga kuwarto para sa pagpapabuti at tinanggap ang isang limang taon phased plano para sa kung ano ay kilala bilang EuroEnglish (Euro para sa maikling).

Sa unang taon, “s” gagamitin sa halip ng soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil tagapaglingkod ay reseive ito ng balita na may kagalakan. Din, ang mahirap “c” ay papalitan ng “upang”. Hindi lamang klear up ito konfusion, ngunit typewriters Kan magkaroon ng isang mas titik.

Ay doon ay lumalaki publik sigasig sa sekond taon, kapag ang maligalig “ph” ay replased sa pamamagitan ng “f”. Ito ay gumawa ng mga salita tulad ng “retradista” 20 Mas maikling porsiyento. Sa ikatlong taon, publik akseptanse ng bagong spelling Kan inaasahang upang maabot ang yugto kung saan higit komplikated pagbabago ay posible.

Pamahalaan ang enkorage ang pag-alis ng double titik, kung saan ay mayroon palaging Ben ng deterent sa akurate speling. Din, al Wil agre na ang horible mes ng silent “at”s sa wika ay disgrasful, at ang mga ito ay pumunta.

Sa pamamagitan ng ika-apat na taon, peopl Wil ay reseptiv sa mga hakbang tulad ng replasing “ika” sa pamamagitan ng “mula sa” at “sa” sa pamamagitan ng “sa”. Sa panahon ze fifz taon, may unesesary “0” Kan ay dropd mula Ward kontaining “o”, at katulad na mga pagbabago vud, ng kors, aplid upang maging Özer kombinations ng leters.

At efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al ay speking Aleman lik Zey vunted mukhang forst Libreng…

Ang isang Crazy Wika

Ito mabaliw wika, Ingles, ay ang pinaka-karaniwang ginagamit na wika sa kasaysayan ng ating planeta. Maaari itong makipag-usap sa isa sa bawat pitong tao. Mahigit sa kalahati ng mga aklat sa mundo at tatlong-kapat ng internasyonal na mail ay nasa Ingles. Ng lahat ng mga wika, mayroon itong ang pinakamalaking bokabularyo marahil ng maraming bilang dalawang MILYON salita. Nonetheless, Nakaharap ni ito ipaalam, Ingles ay isang nakatutuwang wika. Walang itlog sa talong o ham sa hamburger; alinma'y hindi pine sa pinya mansanas o. Muffins Ingles ay hindi imbento sa England o French fries sa France. Mga kendi ay Candies habang sweetbreads, na hindi matamis, ay karne.

Isinasaalang-alang namin sa Ingles para sa ipinagkaloob. Ngunit kung galugarin namin paradoxes nito, nakita namin na kuminoy ay maaaring gumana nang mabagal, boxing rings ay parisukat at isang taong ginagamit sa eksperimento ay hindi mula sa Guinea at hindi rin ito isang baboy.

At bakit ito na manunulat magsulat ngunit daliri huwag fing, Gulay huwag groce at hammers huwag Ham? Kung ang plural ng ngipin ay mga ngipin, kung bakit ay hindi ang pangmaramihang ng booth beeth? Isa gansa, dalawang gansa. Kaya isa hayop ng mus, dalawang meese?

Hindi ito mukhang baliw na maaari kang magsagawa ng mga bayad-pinsala ngunit hindi isa susugan, na magsuklay ka sa pamamagitan ng mga salaysay ng kasaysayan ngunit hindi isang solong annal? Kung mayroon kang isang bungkos ng mga pinagtabasan at mapupuksa ang lahat maliban sa isa sa kanila, ano ang gagawin mo pangalanan ito? Kung ang mga guro nagturo, bakit hindi pare praught? Kung ang isang vegetarian kumakain gulay, ano nga ba ang isang taong mapagkawanggawa kumain? Kung nagsulat ng sulat, marahil mo bote iyong dila?

Minsan tingin ko ang lahat ng mga nagsasalita ng Ingles ay dapat nakatuon sa isang pagpapakupkop laban para sa pasalita masiraan ng ulo. Sa anong wika ang mga tao makasagot sa isang pag-play at i-play sa isang pagtatanghal na musikal? Ipadala ang sa pamamagitan ng trak at magpadala ng mga kargamento sa pamamagitan ng barko? Mayroon noses na tumakbo at paa na amoy?

Paano isang slim pagkakataon at isang taba pagkakataong maging katulad, habang ang isang matalinong tao at matalino tao ay opposites? Paano Tinatanaw at mangasiwa maging opposites, habang medyo marami at marami-dami ay magkamukha? Paano maaaring maging mainit bilang impiyerno ng isang araw at malamig na bilang impiyerno ibang mga taya ng panahon?

Mayroon kang napansin na makipag-usap namin tungkol sa ilang mga bagay lamang kapag ang mga ito ay absent? Nakita mo ba ang isang horseful carriage o isang strapful bata? Natugunan ng Sung bayani o nakaranas requited pag-ibig? Nakarating na ba magkaroon ka ng isang tao na ay combobulated, gruntled, ruly o pekabol? At kung nasaan ang lahat ng mga tao na tagsibol manok o kung sino ang gusto talagang saktan ang isang fly?

Mayroon kang upang humanga sa natatanging kabaliwan ng isang wika kung saan maaaring sumunog up ang iyong bahay dahil ito Burns down na, kung saan mo punan sa isang form sa pamamagitan ng pagpuno ito at kung saan napupunta off ang isang alarma orasan sa pamamagitan ng pagpunta sa.

Ingles ay imbento ng mga tao, Hindi na computer, at ito ay sumasalamin sa pagiging malikhain ng sangkatauhan (kung saan, oo naman, ay hindi isang lahi sa lahat). Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit, kapag ang mga bituin ay out, mga ito ay nakikita, ngunit kapag ang ilaw ay out, ang mga ito ay di-nakikita. At bakit, kapag wind up ko ang aking relos, Sisimulan ko ito, ngunit kapag wind up ko ang sanaysay, Tapusin ko ito.

[Hindi kilalang pinagmumulan]

Bushisms

Bush has just left the building. Perhaps the world will be a kinder, gentler place now. But it will certainly be a less funny place. For life is stranger than fiction, and Bush was funnier than any stand-up comedian. Jon Stewart is going to miss him. So will I.

Self Image

“They misunderestimated me.”
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 Nobyembre, 2000

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.”
Rome, 22 Hulyo, 2001

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 Septiyembre, 2002

“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”
Washington DC, 11 Mayo, 2001

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 Mayo, 2004

Statemanship

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”
Tokyo, 18 Pebrero, 2002

“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.”
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 Enero, 2003

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
Washington DC, 5 Agosto, 2004

“I think war is a dangerous place.”
Washington DC, 7 Mayo, 2003

“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the – the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
Washington DC, 27 Oktubre, 2003

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
Washington DC, 17 Septiyembre, 2004

“Alam mo, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 Septiyembre, 2006

Education

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Florence, South Carolina, 11 Enero, 2000

“Reading is the basics for all learning.”
Reston, Virginia, 28 Marso, 2000

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”
CNN, 30 Agosto, 2000

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 Pebrero, 2001

Economics

“I understand small business growth. I was one.”
New York Daily News, 19 Pebrero, 2000

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”
Reuters, 5 Mayo, 2000

“I do remain confident in Linda. She’ll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I’ve read in the press accounts, she’s perfectly qualified.”
Austin, Texas, 8 Enero, 2001

“Una, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.”
Washington DC, 19 Mayo, 2003

Health

“I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs.”
Orlando, Florida, 12 Septiyembre, 2000

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 Septiyembre, 2004

Internet

“Will the highways on the internet become more few?”
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 Enero, 2000

“It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber.”
Washington DC, 10 Abril, 2002

“Information is moving. Alam mo, nightly news is one way, oo naman, but it’s also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.”
Washington DC, 2 Mayo, 2007

What the…?

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 Septiyembre, 2000

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 Oktubre, 2000

“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
Tucson, Arizona, 28 Nobyembre, 2005

“That’s George Washington, the first president, oo naman. The interesting thing about him is that I read three – three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 Mayo, 2006

Leadership

“I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.”
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 Agosto, 2000

“I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.”
Washington DC, 18 Abril, 2006

“And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, at [Tony Blair] read it.”
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 Disyembre, 2006

“All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.”
San Diego, California, 25 Oktubre, 2007

Famous Last Words

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”
Washington DC, 12 Mayo, 2008

Geeks

I have been doing a bit of geeky stuff lately — writing WordPress plugin. Okay, it is because I’m suffering from a terrible writer’s block.

Ang makikita mo, I’m supposed to be working on my next book. I foolishly promised a couple of chapters of Ang Prinsipyo ng nabibilang na Development to my commissioning editor at John Wiley & Sons within a month; now I find myself writing everything other than those darned chapters! Including plugins. Paparating na sa tingin ng mga ito, writing those chapters wouldn’t be any less geeky, ginagawa ito?

That made me wonder… We all started off as geeks, didn’t we? No use denying it. Remember how our teachers loved us, and the sexy cheerleaders, mahusay, didn’t? Later in life, due to exigencies of circumstances, we may have tried to lose our techie halo and simulate a managerial posture. Pero, in our moments of panic, we go back to our geek roots. Hindi bababa sa, Gagawin ko.

You think you don’t? Mahusay, check out these geek jokes. If you find them funny, chances are your roots are not too different from mine.

Heisenberg was driving down the highway when he was pulled over for speeding. The officer says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “Huwag, but I do know where I am!”

Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Oo, I’m positive…”

Geek Pickup Lines:

  • Tell me of this thing you humans call [dramatic pause] love.
  • If you turn me down now, I will become more drunk than you can possibly imagine.
  • They don’t call me Bones because I’m a doctor.
  • Your name is Leslie? Tingnan, I can spell your name on my calculator!
  • What’s a nice girl like you doing in a wretched hive of scum and villainy like this?
  • You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable.
  • My ‘up-time’ is better than BSD.
  • I can tell by your emoticons that you’re looking for some company.
  • Is that an iPod mini in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.
  • Want to see my Red Hat?
  • If you won’t let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
  • You had me at “Hello World.”
  • Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
  • You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
  • By looking at you I can tell you’re 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.
  • Jedi Mind Trick: “This is the geek you’re looking for.” [Waves hand]
  • You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
  • Have you ever Googled yourself?
  • How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?
  • With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
  • What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this when there’s a Farscape marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
  • I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

Kung:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

but look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

Kaya, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Pagpupulong ng Bingo Game

This one is a hilarious piece I found on the Web. If you really like it, mayroon kang upang magtaka — am I still doing too much techie stuff and too little management?

Ever been in a mind-numbing meeting with some MBA-type spewing forth a sequence of buzzwords he read on the back of a Business Careers for Dummies book? Print this out and when you get 7 horizontal, vertical or diagonal, shout BINGO!

& Nbsp;

Synergy Offline Strategic Fit Interface Gap Analysis Best Practice The Bottom Line
Core Business Going Forward Touch Base Revisit Game Plan Learning Curve Revert Urgently
Out of the Loop Go the Extra Mile Benchmark The Big Picture Value Added Movers and Shakers Ballpark
Proactive, not Reactive Win-Win Situation Think Outside the Box Fast Track Results Driven Empowerment Define and Sign Off
Partner Led Business Case Change Management At the End of the Day Local Feedback Ticks in the Boxes Mindset
Knock-On Effect Put this to Bed Client-Focused Quality Driven Move the Goal Posts Process Improvement Bandwidth
Facilitate Knowledge Base Downsize Rocket Science Skill Set Customer Focused Ramp Up

(This joke was found at the Email Flotsam page at Mike’s World)

Mensa Word Play


Okay, they say this “Mensa Invitational” by the Washington Post is just as fictional as these words. But these words — tao, are they funny!

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

2006 winners are:

  • Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  • Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an *()^%$ .
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
  • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  • Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it’s a serious bummer.
  • Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out
  • Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Trick Question

Here’s an IQ question to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day…

A person who can’t speak wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper, and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first. Don’t give up too soon, or you will regret it!

Want to see the answer?

Moonwalkers

Ito ay isa sa maraming mga pagsasabwatan teoryang — na ang buwan landing hindi kailanman talagang nangyari. Paano magagawa ang bandila balisa? Ang mga larawan — sila ay talagang kinuha sa buwan, o sa isang studio sa Navada?

Narito ang isang iba't ibang mga teorya. Ang isang maliit na kilala katotohanan. Ang larawan ay hindi lubos pekeng. Ito ay lamang na ipinakita NASA lamang sa kalahati ng mga larawan. Lagyan ng check ang out:
Tumingin sa mga anino sa ibaba .
Nakarating na ba napansin mo ang mga ito bago ?

Mag-click dito (o sa larawan) upang makita ang buong larawan!